Letter from England. "I Want To Love You But I’m Scared Of Getting..."

"I Want To Love You But I’m Scared Of Getting Hurt"

I hope you understand that even if I know that I have to let you in for you to love me it’s not going to be easy for me.

There was once a time wherein I fell in love with someone. And when I fell in love, I gave that person my heart. In fact, I gave more than just that. I gave him everything I had. I let him have his way with me in all shapes and forms. And what do I have to show for it? A heart that has been bent out of shape and broken in areas that I can’t even count. I gave my heart to someone and he just thrashed it. He dropped it. He let it roll in the mud. He stepped on it. And he set it on fire. And it hurt me. It hurt me greatly. He promised me that he would take care of my heart. He told me that he would always be by my side no matter what. He said that he would never allow me to feel alone or dejected. But he broke every single one of those promises.

All of the sweet words and romantic promises that he made to me are nothing but bitter memories and unfortunate reminders of what can happen when I give my heart to someone. So, I’m sorry that I’m finding it difficult to letting you into my life. I apologize that I’m not going as fast as maybe you want me to be going. I am very sorry if I’m taking things far too slow. I don’t want you to think that I don’t enjoy the time that I spend with you. I don’t want you to think that maybe I don’t consider you to be enough for me. I really can’t imagine myself being with anyone else at this point and it’s very important to me that you know that. I light up whenever I see you smile at me. I feel my heart skip a beat whenever you say my name. I am mesmerized and put into a deep trance every single time you stare into my eyes. The thought of your face is always enough to bring me out of this self-inflicted pain that I put on my soul.

You are the one who is always able to bring me back into the light when I start to roam the darkness. So I don’t want you to think that you’re just another guy to me. I don’t want you to think that you don’t matter much to me; because you do. I don’t want you to assume that I’m not serious about what we have or that I’m taking a casual approach to being with you. That’s far from the truth. The fact of the matter is that I’m really serious about being with you and there is nothing casual with how I feel about you and that’s why I’m so scared.

You might say that I’m over-assuming things at this point but if I’m going to be honest, I think that we’re in a somewhat safe place. I feel like to an extent, I can trust you already. I feel like to a certain degree, I can be okay with opening myself up to you considering everything that you and I have been through together. But still, despite all of that, I still can’t shake the insecurities. I still can’t shake the second-guesses and the self-doubts. Despite how good you are to me, I still can’t shake the idea of you just breaking my heart the way that it has been broken before.

Because as far as I can recall, he was nice to me to. He was good to me. He treated me well until he didn’t. And I don’t want us to get to a place where you no longer treat me well anymore because that would break me. And I can’t help but think if you’re really as serious about this as I am. I want to be able to give you my heart with the utmost confidence that you won’t break it, but my confidence seems to be escaping me. And I don’t know if I’m being reasonable or not, but that’s genuinely how I feel right now.

But I know that if I’m ever going to have the happy future that I want with you, I’m going to have to learn to let go of the past. I can’t let the fears of my past and present keep me from a happy future with you. I can’t let the pains of memories that have long gone cripple me into doing nothing; paralyze me into not pursuing what I think I am right for. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of just being caught up in the things that used to be.

I’m tired of using my broken heart as an excuse for me to not be vulnerable again. I know that I have to be vulnerable if I want to be loved. (Jamie B.)